Secants and Tangents

So this weekend the pendulum swung in the other direction. It did not take me out of the rut completely, but it help me put things into perspective. Stupid things upset me, and stupid things elate me.

This weekend was the perfect one indeed, starting early Friday. Like I mentioned last time, I got an A on my Physics midterm. Then, my 1pm class was cancelled, so my weekend started at 12 noon on Friday! To make things even better, I had NO homework to grade!!! This was meant to be. I was either supposed to spend the weekend by myself relaxing, or…

Yeah, that’s right. I made my occasional plans with three of my best friends from high school: Tom, Josh and Duncan (a.k.a. Marc). I “warned” them that we were getting trashed this weekend. And, well, that was an understatement! I gotta get the pics up haha. It was cool to reconnect. It is kind of funny, when you are with people that you have known since forever, you completely feel 100% accepted. They don’t hold shit and baby grudges against me like so many of my UCLA “friends.”

I took the worst regiment of all the guys. Eleven shots (lucky number) in 3 hours. Surprisingly I did not puke, but I did pass out…with a BOTTLE in my hand! Now that I think about it, I am lucky I didn’t puke while I was passed out. Probably the dumbest thing I have ever done, but oh well, only live once haha. I was gone some time around 1am. Shortly before I blacked out, one of my buddies’ friends stopped by with his girlfriend. I didn’t really know them, but of course they were welcomed to join us. I did not recognize her at all…but in my inebriated state she looked damn hot. At some point in the night my friends garnered the strength to carry me to my bed where they would then take a picture of me with all kinds of writing on my face. Crazy.

Apparently Josh was the next one to pass out around 3am. Damn I missed a good party LOL. We have all gotten drunk together before, but not to that extreme! Good times. At UCLA, I did get sick once and it cost me a friend because apparently puking (in the toilet only) means you lack social grace, and that is just against UCLA social rule number 102.5b.

—

Sunday morning was obviously a very bad one for me. I woke up to see Tom, Josh and Marc still there, fast asleep. Apparently they had stayed up until like 5. I didn’t hear a thing obviously. We had breakfast as sick as we all felt, and then called it a weekend. What an awesome time lol.

Later that day, I “talked’ to my friend Dan from UCSB via IM. Dan is a funny guy – he doesn’t talk very much. But when he does he is very comedic. He writes very long emails and IMs which I find really ironic considering he is so quiet. I met Dan early my Freshman year at UCSB. Since then we have hung out a lot…either having lunch, hanging out at the beach, playing some sport or another, with me doing most of the talking obviously…but he is one hell of a listener. Dan surfs a lot which I always thought was cool. At UCSB he always offered to teach me, but I never accepted. Instead I would just go with him to Campus Point and watch. When he did eventually try to teach me how to surf, boy was that interesting. It was really funny at how impatient he got with me. The funny thing was, no matter how many times he has tried teaching me, he still does it. Sunday was one of those days. He met me in Ventura and we spent the day out in the waves. I managed to stand up this time and I got an applause from him. He joked with me that he will have to bring me out during the winter when the waves get really big. That comment for some reason put me in the best mood, like wow, even though I can’t surf worth shit, I haven’t been judged because of it.

—

There are no coincidences in life. I clearly think that this weekend was supposed to be a wakeup call to me. I am concentrating too much on the wrong people. People that do not want me around, people that are not friends. Rather they just use me to help them with math homework, or programming projects. My real friends seemed more excited to hang out with me than I was with them due to my mood (except for Dan, because he never talks or shows any type of emotion good or bad). Perhaps I need to give up on trying to make more friends at UCLA because there are too many “social rules” at this university, and it has such a complex hierarchy, and complicated subsetting scheme. Obviously, most of my friends are right under my nose, and I have been ignoring them all along. But I won’t be anymore. I even have some friends at UCLA, but the rest of them I should just allow to fade away.

Today I got the rare opportunity to take a break from my workload and just relax. I got to go to Venice Beach with one of my friends and a bunch of people from his building. I also got to meet his girlfriend for the first time. His friends are awesome, and his girlfriend is really cool. It is weird meeting somebody for the first time, and then seeing her together with a friend. They make a great couple though. He is really lucky. Honestly I am a little jealous, but in a good way of course. I am really happy for him. She reminds me a lot of the girl from my class.

The funniest thing happened too. We were talking about being scared of seagulls shitting on us. The girlfriend was fortunate enough to never have this happen “knock on wood.” No more than a few minutes later, we got into a conversation about jets and all of a sudden I hear a smacking sound followed by a LOUD scream. I assume she was bitten by something in the sand. Nope…I look over and there is a huge puddle of bird shit on her back. Considering the irony of the whole situation, I could not help but laugh.

The waves were huge; I wish I had my board with me. Of course I can only stand up for a few seconds, but who cares? That would have been awesome. Personally I prefer Dockweiller because it is right between the two runways at LAX. A true chance to see jumbo jets as they ascend over the Pacific and part their ways. Unfortunately, most of the 747s veered away from us and headed toward the southerly route around Palos Verdes. The result was that all I could see were the less interesting, but nonetheless powerful 757, 767, 777 and and MD80/90s. But my favorite airliner to see is the 747 (B741/B742 particularly), but my favorite to fly in is the 767 (B763ER).

Later we walked along the Venice waterfront. There were some very interesting people along that walk. The smell of hot dogs and onion rings made me so hungry. Then we went to C and O’s for dinner. We got there thanks to my dad who knows the whole City of L.A. like the back of his hand. Looking around there was also a Cold Stone’s and a smoothie bar. Hell, I could spend the whole day there haha.

Here is where I digress. Lately I have been obsessed with Gwen Stefani’s new album, and the music videos. I need to find a woman like that! Somebody that doesn’t take anybody’s shit, but is still kind. She is a beautiful bully with a heart. Rich Girl is catchy, and can get annoying, but the music video is addicting. Hollaback Girl has great lyrics in some parts, but extremely random in others like:

This shit is bananas,
B-A-N-A-N-A-S

What the hell is that? And the way she treats her Harajuku Girls in the music video for Rich Girl is hilarious. Especially since they look like such dogs. Anyway, the hostess at the restaurant looked like she could be Gwen’s identical twin! She wore a long purple gown-like dress with a tie in the back. She was blonde of course, had thick lips drowned in red lipstick, and had on so much pale makeup, she would make the girl I call the “Diabetic Bitch” (because she is mean and I don’t know her name) look tanned. She wore her hair pinned back, and wore several flowers in her hair. That is a double whammie! My friend teased me as usual haha and offered to take a picture of she and I. He asked her while I stood aside laughing my ass off out of embarrassment. I made him ask for me. She said she gets the “Gwen resemblance” comment often and that she isn’t really a fan, but she would take a picture in a few minutes. Unfortunately, she was extremely busy the rest of our meal. I will have to return to C and O’s haha. Now that is a good friend haha.

The day was full of consequences as well. One of the guys in the group knew a guy that went to my high school. The girlfriend and her friend knew somebody that worked with my dad, and when we returned to campus one of my neighbors was waiting for his girlfriend, whom lives next door to my buddy’s girlfriend. We all took a picture together and then called it a day. What an awesome day! I hope we can do something like that again.

Now back to my Gwen Stefani idolization… actually that’s for another day haha.

Damn my life is hectic this quarter. CS 111 is practically sinking me, but the strange thing is I enjoy it. I guess I should truly be in Computer Science. The book is boring as hell, and the lectures are pretty dull, but occasionally our professor livens things up. It is hilarious to see a man in his 50s run back and forth in a classroom to illustrate how a hard drive seek data operation works. Sadly enough, the mathematician in me kicked back in and made me thing, “Hey, that sounds a lot like convergence of a sequence!” For all epsilon there exists an n >= N such that |a(n) - l| < epsilon. Blah... One thing he said on the first day of class that will stick in my mind is "if you plan on passing this course, this may not be the time to start any new relationships."

Yeah, there is this girl that I like in one of my classes. She has the most contagious laugh. Unfortunately, she is graduating this quarter and will be moving far away. BTW, I am purposely making this as vague as possible…word spreads fast in these parts. There is another girl that I liked in that class, but of course there has to be this guy that is better looking than me that she went for. I had four classes with her in the past and in three of them this dude was an obstacle grrr… Even worse, he is a complete nerd: he takes notes on his damned iBook!

Well, the drama surrounding my timeless departure from the Big Machine has pretty much subsided. The only thing that can possibly be construed as drama was a 3 page email from someone on the staff. The fact that this dude is 24 years old and STILL living in on-campus housing, let alone still at UCLA, is reason enough for his words to have zero credibility. I feel sorry for the guy, he has way too much time on his hands. It is hilarious though, the President of my “soapbox cabinet” is all pissed off. But that’s ok, she is a bitch anyway. She could care less what anybody says or thinks as long as they are not Asian. I purposely made my letter in the previous post a complete bashing, because nobody expects that from me. I also purposely made my “Famous Last Words” email sarcastically smartass…my usual kind of Mad Hatter logic. I pretend to be one with the team, and then BAM, “you all suck.”

My analysis proofs weren’t too bad this week, but of course CS was killer. I have projects due every Friday, quizzes at every lecture, homework, 2 midterms and a final. Friggin A! Of course when I wasn’t worrying about that, I had other stuff to worry about. I ran into a bit of a conflict with someone I consider a good friend this week. As preferring not to “gossip” about a good friend, let me be as vague as possible. We had discussed something that was a pretty big deal for me, but not as big of a deal for him. So when it came to decision making time, he totally forgot about what we had (shortly) discussed. I do not understand how somebody can “forget” something. This has happened to me before with other people, so I don’t doubt at all his honesty, but I honestly do not get how somebody can forget something like this. Now that I think about it, I kind of feel like an ass for the way I treated him…but I am a guy, I can’t really just come out and say what is bothering me. Right? The first day I just acted upset, no big deal. But the next day I turned a more mature version of the silent treatment into an art form. The rest of that day I had a superficial sense of satisfaction, although I knew it wouldn’t last long. After I got home and checked my email - and an apology was waiting for me. I was shocked to say the least. It has been a long time since I have dealt with someone with so much maturity. Also, somebody finally understood what I was actually pissed about! I cannot express how many friends of mine do not understand me or why I react the way I do to certain things. Only a few of my best friends truly know me.

There is nothing wrong with my personality, but being “intense” sucks. If emotion/reaction could be plotted against time you would see that an intense person swings violently back and forth from high to low. Some of the dumbest things make me mad, sad, or happy. Guys are expected to let everything roll off their backs so easily, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t do that. I am getting better at it though. We as guys are also just expected to make problems go away. I can’t do that either. I care too much.

I have never been good at socializing. As much as I like to have fun and hang out with other people I have never been that great at socializing “correctly.” It is like I am incompatible with everyone. I can’t take a hint, and I cannot give one easily. This week was one of those weeks. I guess I am just a mathematician - unless you explicitly prove something, I won’t believe it. I think I now see that this communication quirk probably causes me the most grief of all. On several occasions, my friends have had an extraordinary interest in what I am doing. Someone told me that they were going to get lunch. I kind of got the impression she wanted me to join her, but since she didn’t explicitly invite me, I sent myself on my merry way. Same thing happened this week. A friend basically kept talking about something he is doing this weekend. He ended it with, “if you’re not doing anything…” That should be obvious to me, but since it was Monday, I thought he was just being nice. But it kept coming up…was this perhaps a hint? Get a fucking clue Ryan. So I asked one of my best friends who has known me since forever, and he thought it was an invitation too…of course he got all weird and was all “dude, take the hint and go with it” I finally just had to be blunt with my other friend (and felt like an asshole when I did it) and said, “were/are you inviting me…?” I could tell he was taken aback. I just think he is like that…implicit. I do know that this is how it works. “Hanging out,” unless it is with some exclusive group, never requires a “formal” invitation.

I have come to realize a couple of things, 1) I must be more flexible and go with the flow. I cannot expect everything to go as “scheduled,” 2) I need to listen more, 3) I need to relax. I can never seem to get good social advice from my parents (I inherited my personality from my Mom, so she is no help), so I did the next logical things. I called one of my best buddies. And all he says is, “dude you need to chill out.” But then what he said next really hit me: “you get so worked up over stupid shit that you don’t listen to people.” That gave me quite a bit to think about, in addition to my 17 units of hell.

So I guess it was a productive week in more ways than one. But now I must put on my poker face and pretend that nothing bothers me.

April 8, 2005
Dearest Canyon Point Staff,

I am writing this letter to notify you of my resignation, effective immediately, from the position of Facilities Commissioner for the Canyon Point Residents’ Association. For those of you that have pending facilities requests, I apologize in advance for my inability to serve your needs. Rather than describe why I am making this decision, I feel that it is more important to describe my feelings about my experience with ORL and this team.

After spending a lot of time thinking and reflecting, I feel that my involvement with the Office of Residential Life over the past two years can best be described as a mistake. I have reached the conclusion that I can no longer be involved with an organization that values perfection and that does not respect growth and change in people. Additionally, I refuse to work for a Resident Director that will not acknowledge my superb work earlier in the year.

I feel that the Office of Residential Life, and its constituents needs to take a good, hard look at their behavior and that if the department is truly committed to its role in teaching responsible citizenship and celebrating diversity, it will change its actions. With all of the talk about “celebrating diversity,” I find it ironic and hypocritical that there exist such strong racial as well as other preferences both on the Canyon Point staff as well as throughout the professional branch of the department. The minority to which I belong (i.e. the independent thinkers) are not represented.

Finally, I can no longer function under a bureaucracy that values the pact mentality while demeaning individualism and dissent. That behavior is against my beliefs as a human being and I will not succumb to it regardless of the amount of respect I have lost for making that decision.

I will never forget the positive times that I did have during my experience, but I must do what is best for me. From this point forward, I have an expanded workload to prepare for a change of major in graduate school, from Mathematics to Computer Science. Further involvement with ORL is unhealthy for me, and has served as a large hindrance in my life. I wish each of you the best of luck in all that you do.

Sincerely Yours,
Me

Damn it’s been a while since I have written in this thing. There is a reason for that, and it is not entirely related to schoolwork. If I were to unleash my feelings right now, it could possibly cause WWIII, and because of finals I felt that this was not a necessary way to spend my time. I will post again once I take the final step toward resolving this mess.

Yay finals are OVER! So Stats 154 wasn’t bad at all…but I don’t think I did as well as I did on the midterm but oh well. I can’t expect an A+ on every exam haha. Math 135B was a little hairy but I made it through it. I feel like I did very well after spending the past 2.5 weeks studying for that damn class, and attending every office hour I could possibly attend. In the end I think it paid off. And to top it off, it was sunny and windy my favorite weather (just too damned cold). So all in all it was a spectacular ending to a shitty quarter.

A little buzzed right now. My parents took me out to dinner to celebrate Spring Break and I got a few tropical drinks. It’s funny…they are the same drinks I have liked since I was a teenager, but now they are just the alcoholic versions. While buzzed I came up with this quote since it relates really well to my life right now: “If we could all turn back time and correct the mistakes we made, we would never move forward.” Pretty damn good for a drunk math major.

The roommate situation is slowly but steadily worsening. I try not to complain because to be honest, there isn’t really anything for me to complain about compared to him supposedly. I do not like him…actually I strongly dislike him as a person. We haven’t spoken since week 2 of the quarter, and quite frankly I thank the Lord for that one. I was actually hoping he would shut the fuck up after like week 1 of Fall quarter. Last quarter all he did was bitch about everything and I do mean everything. He exudes nothing but negativity. He clearly hates living on campus and I don’t understand why the hell he still lives on campus if he hates it so much. What sucks is that as part of ORL, I like living on campus, so it is like night and day in our room. And when he isn’t bitching, he is speaking all ghetto. There is a simple rule…you just don’t use hella more than once in a sentence unless you are from a trailer park. His typical conversations start with “hey what’s up foo” like he is from the ghetto. And then he will say something like “yeah so I hella gotta do hella studying for this hella class or I will hella fail, foo.” All of this and he has the personality of a dial tone.

He seems to have a problem with everything that I do: the music I listen to, the fact that I like fresh air in the room whereas he prefers to smell shit all day (I’ll get to that). He has a thing about the AC..wait strike that. He has a problem with the heater too, and he hates having the window open. So I find it rather odd that he always has to prop the damn bathroom door open when nobody is using it…the thing is, everything just wafts out into the room. It is so fucking gross. He knows that there is an exhaust fan in the bathroom but I guess that is too logical. If he lived by himself in the room, the room would stink so fucking bad all the time. Next year I am either going to live in a single/studio, or live with friends. I can’t take this random assignment shit anymore.

But I found out the true problem behind all of this and it isn’t a thing that I am doing. It is money. Flat out. After doing a little research, I found that what he claims is a supposed “suburb” is actually a barrio whose schools are rated a 4 out of 10. So “foo” as he would say, has a bit of a chip on his shoulder. But apparently he can’t take the inferiority anymore…

Anyway, back to me. I plan on spending my break programming. I have so many damned ideas I do not know where to start. I hate it when this happens ’cause I am not going to even be able to do just a little work on one before break is over. I will put these things on the My Projects page. I also need to learn Java a class I am taking next quarter.

Classes for Spring quarter. Are you in anything of them with me?
Math 131B - Analysis II (Stefan)
Stats 120B - Regression Analysis II (Hansen)
CS 143 - Database Systems (Sho)
Physics 1B - Irrelevant Shit (Coroniti…who looks like a gecko)

“Water, water, water, yelled her little daughter,
There’ll be a hot time in the old town tonight!!!!!!”
-Mrs. O’Leary

At around 4pm I received an email from a girl with whom I worked last year. I was pretty sure she moved off campus and no longer worked here. My gut reaction was that it was one of those viruses that we all receive from time to time from the servers here. The email stated that a water main had broken, and that all of UCLA and the UCLA Hospital was without water. This was very hard for me to believe! Additionally, it was this line that struck me:

“Please stop by your front desk to determine the specific location of the toilets closest to your hall.”

At first I laughed and thought this whole thing was a hoax. 1) I had not heard anybody talk about it, 2) this girl no longer works for this department, and 3) call the front desk to find a toilet????

It turned out to be true! I could live without water, but not with the fallout from this water main breakage…

The water came back on around 9pm, and then LADWP issues a boil water warning. That was it… I am scared of water (especially tap water) as it is, but this sent me through the roof. I drove an hour home just to take a shower. I was absolutely starving because I refused to eat or drink ANYTHING within the alert area. I heard stories about water being brown and foamy, and that some buildings even had particulate matter in it. This was just too much for me to handle. My whole body tensed up and I got a terrible headache.

I drove about 20 minutes to Santa Monica to grab my dinner at Carl’s Jr. at 11pm. The ironic part about this whole scenario is that the water at my house is probably more contaminated than the LA water. I mean, our water can cause cancer: it has a very high level of nitrates in it due to all of the livestock and fields in the area.

Today I get a very rare treat by getting to take a day off of school! I went to my dad’s firestation in Hollywood where he was in a press conference!!!! This regards the train wreck I wrote about earlier. My dad was one of the people that helped find a man in the rubble that wrote what he thought would be his last note to his wife and children in his own blood.

**Now I am resuming this entry. I had to leave the PIC lab because the fire alarm in Boelter/MS went off.

Today we met the family of the victim and they and my dad were interviewed by like 20 different media outlets: news channels and other shows. The victim and his family were interviewed forever late into the night. My dad was cut some breaks, but had to wake up for a 4am interview on Katie Courrick’s show! I got the chance to meet Laura Diaz and Marc Gleason from ABC7 news, a reporter from Inside Edition, and Tony Valdez from Fox-11 News. He said that I am lucky to have such special parents. When he asked me if I wanted to be a firefighter, I said no, but that if I do depart from the math field, I would like to be some type of law enforcement investigator in missing persons or aviation accidents. He mentioned that missing persons were always the most difficult stories for him to cover.

What a great day!!!! To top it off, I saw Mrs. Schroeder’s husband - a camera man for CBS2 news. All of you from TOHS remember what a nut she was…two gears short of a watch. This was a nice diversion from all of the stress I am enduring prior to my RA interview.

Well, the Physics midterm was…blah. It figures that the dumbass TAs did not make enough copies so we lost 10 minutes because of that. I just want to get this stupid class over with so I can hopefully become a department scholar, or double major in statistics. I waited until tonight to work on my Psychometrics homework…dumb choice.

On a lighter note, I got some great news. I got an RA/PA interview! Yay! I feel like the ball is in my court now. I know that there is a lot I can do between now and the day decisions are made. I have practice interviews coming up, and am aware of my options. I feel very good about this.

Sadly, there was a train crash in Glendale. Some selfish asshole decided that he would park his car on the railroad tracks and commit suicide…but then at the last minute he decided that his life was more important than the 100 lives on the train so he bailed. The train derailed, hit another train, and hit a parked locomotive carrying hazardous waste. My dad was there helping recover the victims. He was interviewed for the 10pm news on Fox and the 11pm news on NBC! He got very choked up, as I imagine anybody would be in that situation. I am very skeptical of the suicide theory. At first it made sense. But apparently the man had “superficial” self-inflicted wounds, suggesting that he was not seriously trying to commit suicide. They interviewed some idiot earlier today that said, “Oh yeah about two weeks ago he told me he was going to commit suicide by parking his car on the railroad tracks, but I didn’t think the train would actually hit him.” What a dumbass. I swear there is something seriously wrong with this world if there are people like him around. It is very simple: park car on the tracks, train goes choo-choo toward the car, the train collides with the car. What the hell was that idiot thinking??!! And why he didn’t report it is beyond me. Suicide is nothing to play around about. As idiotic of a comment as it was, it seems like the only thing that makes sense in this whole case. I mean, WHY was the place swarming with FBI agents?? Yes, it was a terrible tragedy, but if it is such an open-and-shut case why the need for such law enforcement? Tomorrow 200 NTSB investigators will be in the area. If I remember correctly, the number of NTSB investigators at the TWA flight 800 crash site was in the 200-500 range, but the culprit was a huge B741 and 230 people died. So WHY are so many coming for a dinky little train and 10 deaths? This was not the fault of the MTA. Or was it? At first I believed the suicide story…now I think we may have been attacked. Nothing makes sense…of course these days, nothing ever makes sense.

Some of the strangest things have been happening at my house lately. Today I received the most bizarre phone call about it around 9pm. Apparently the intercom/doorbell system started playing an eerie chime at 7pm. I heard it for myself over the phone. It sounded like a strange version of an old Atari game theme music. A doorbell does not typically sound anything close to this. So you would figure, no big deal, just shut off the system. One problem…it won’t turn off.

The chime/music continues while my dad tries to dismantle all of the panels and figure out what is going on. My grandmother has now entered the house crying out of fear that she was having a stroke or going delirious. After hearing all of this, I think this is all too weird. I don’t know if it was fixed, or how it happened. We think that perhaps the doorbell can change its chimes…but why the hell would it sound so…weird?? The chime had been playing over and over for 2 hours straight when I last called home. I told my parents that I would call again at 11pm after I have settled in for the night.

Now nobody is answering the phone… What the hell is going on???

Today was a pretty productive day I must say. I got a lot of work on the site done. I can’t believe I already have a midterm this week…and in Physics to boot. I friggin hate that class. It is ridiculous…on Friday we talked about PDEs. Ughh…so yeah, I started studying today, but I can’t seem to get a hang of coverting units again.

I got my haircut finally!! Now I won’t get so hot just trying to walk from my room to the front door. We stopped for chili dogs afterwards (at the one Wienerschnitzel in the entire county it seems) and then went to no other but Starbucks. Just another Saturday, but I am looking forward to the premiere of Numbers tomorrow night!!!